Damn it

Have you ever wish you hadn’t done something? Today I wish that. I absolutely think that you can’t get anywhere by compromising your values. I also believe that you have to be there to ensure this happens. Even though I had reservations, I did something thinking that essentially we all beat with one heart. While waiting to see what happened I went looking for information. What I found out I didn’t like. If I hadn’t found this information I would have carried on believing life was fair and what happened was meant to be. Instead I feel gutted. Information that I share is usually given to me. This is stuff I looked for so of course I can’t share it.

In a nut shell I went against my own principle for what I felt was the greater good. Truth is, there is no greater good than a pure heart and I’m paying the price with my Soul. I feel changed and despondent once again. So, Don’t ever compromise your self or what you believe. Don’t look for information unless you are prepared to live with what you know.

Life is not fair, nobody plays fair and almost everyone is out for self protection. What a crock. On the up side I am off to Canada in just 4 days time and I can’t wait to get out of here.

Down in the dumps

With so much going on around me I am feeling dispondant.  We are going to be made illegal next year and it is quite a dominent thought in my mind.   I have made myself pretty unpopular in professional circles by refusing to join in and follow the crowd when I believe they had it wrong.  It’s stressful and upsetting.

On top of that recently I have had a client change midwives at 36 weeks.  This hasn’t happened to me before although I have picked up women from the other side of the coin always making sure that it is really what they want and have talked about it with their original midwife.

She hasn’t really given a reason, that’s ok and I have no possession of the birth at all.  Over the months of pregnancy I felt that this woman and I had become friends.  This ofen happens, I have an open personality and it is an intimate time in our lives.   Then I must have taken my eye off the ball and started gossiping and chitty chatting as friends do.  Not realising that this woman wanted more midwifing and less befriending.

I feel embarrassed and vulnerable, disspointed with myself and exposed.

Did I let the political situation and the need to discuss it over take me?  Did I miss cues that were being given to me that this woman didn’t really want to be my friend at all.  I must have.  How unprofessional of me.

This reflection has thrown me into a turmoil of lethargy.  I wish it were over, next year unable to practice, no clients to let down or expectations to live up to.  No authorities chasing me even tho I’m perfectly legal.  I can stay home and sew.

On that subject I bought a new sewing machine.  I haven’t had one for years but having purchased one have already completed my first skirt. Jos has been busy patchworking and bag making.


I have a normal family after all

Maybe I just need a stall at Stirling market and blow the whole midwifery shite.